In Pursuit of the Perfect Prophylactic
by MoreBonesPlz
Summary: The title basically says it all. Do you really need more? It's got B&B. It's got humor (I hope). And, it's got sex. Admittedly, it's not got a lot of plot, though. If any of that appeals to you, then give this short ditty a try. I dare you. I double-dog dare you
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _I had a couple requests at the end of S12E3 from fellow Bones fans to generate a story based on Brennan's comment to Booth about "bagging his sniper" when they do the down and dirty so she doesn't get pregnant. Concurrently, dgschneider directed me to a review comment/prompt she received from Julie SBXMomX on her 'Sounds of the Sea' story (awesome in-progress story if you haven't read it yet) that also plays on the theme of prophylactics and DG thought might mesh with my writing style._

 _While it took me a bit to deliver and I doubt anyone would've expected THIS as the result, I hope it fulfills the wishes expressed and entertains simultaneously. This is a two-shot and the 2_ _nd_ _chapter will be posted sometime on Tuesday, formerly 'Bones day'. Sigh . . . still not over it yet._

 _And a reminder, note rating._

* * *

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing _Bones_ related except my imagination. (4/23/2017)

* * *

Brennan arched her back and groaned in pleasure at the feel of Booth's warm lips suckling her naked breast. Her long, slender fingers slid up his neck, threading through his short hair as she held him to her. "Mmmm. This is an _excellent_ way to wake up."

"Fuck, yeah." He added his teeth to the mix, gently biting down on the puckered nub and relishing her reaction – the sharp inhalation of breath, the instantaneous thrust of her core against his erection, the involuntary tightening of her hands on his scalp. "Feels like I've been awake for forever and all I could think about was being inside you again." He curled his tongue around the taut peak he'd just nipped, soothing the sting before blowing on it gently then repeating the same routine with her other breast, loving how responsive she always was to his attentions.

She laughed softly and placed the bare soles of her feet against his calves beneath the sheets, sliding her feet upwards in a caress of her own that opened her legs even wider, letting him settle just a little deeper against her. "Sounds like a good idea to me." She wrapped her legs around his waist, tightening her abductor muscles in a manner that rocked their pelvises together and let her grind her clitoris along the ridge of his cock, her silky panties the only thing separating them.

"Jesus," he muttered between wet kisses to her chest and throat. "Baby, you keep that up and I'm not gonna last long."

"Touch me, Booth," she implored. "Touch me and you'll know I don't need you to last long. Don't I feel ready to you?" His hands had been holding her at the waist, but, at her command, he slid one down between them and cupped her, the damp heat between her legs obvious through her panties.

"You're overdressed," he grumbled, hooking his fingers inside her waistband and tugging down. Brennan lifted her hips and unhooked her legs long enough to let Booth strip her bare. Then she wrapped herself around him again. He palmed her upper thigh, pulling her leg higher on his waist so he could slide his fingers into her center from behind. "God, you're so wet, already. Wet and ready."

"Yes. I know." With the removal of her underwear she could now slide her wet folds up and down his length directly, the sound of their flesh comingling like music to their souls. "Hmmm, I feel so aroused."

He half-chuckled, half-groaned, pushing himself up on his arms so he hovered over her and could watch her face as he slid his cock up and down across her most sensitive nerve bundle. "You're horny, Bones. That's what it's called."

"Oooh, that feels good."

"Say it." He rubbed a little harder against her and a little higher, letting his heavy testicles bounce against her perineum. "Let me hear you say it in layman's terms. C'mon, Bones. You can do it."

She grinned, enjoying his teasing and willing to give in if it would move things along. "Yes, I'm extremely horny right now, Booth. I want to feel you inside me, not just against me. I want you to bury your penis inside me and make me cum all around you. Now, Booth. I need you, now."

"Oh, yeah." He leaned down and kissed her deeply, their tongues tangling together until they both needed a break for air. "Better grab a condom."

Brennan stretched her arm out towards the nightstand and opened the drawer, reaching inside to grab a condom and came up empty handed. At the same time, Booth's phone started ringing.

"Crap. We're out of condoms."

"Shit. I think we have a case."

They spoke at the same time, both aware that their morning activity had just been thwarted.

* * *

A sexually frustrated Special Agent Seeley Booth stood within the section of the yard that had been cordoned off by yellow crime scene tape making notes as his partner, and wife _(and should've been morning lover, damn it)_ relayed details to him about the skeleton the FBI had dug up early that morning. So far, everything she had told him indicated the remains they had discovered could belong to Marvin Hildebrand, a young but aggressive newspaper journalist that had reportedly been pursuing a potentially explosive story about the Congressman in whose yard they currently stood before he mysteriously vanished almost six months ago. Police and the FBI had considered the Congressman as a suspect when Hildebrand first disappeared, but until they'd received an anonymous tip late last night, they'd not had any real evidence to link the Congressman to foul play. However, the tip last night had provided enough specific and credible details about the story Hildebrand was rumored to be pursuing plus allegations linking the Congressman to Hildebrand's disappearance to allow Caroline Julian to obtain a search warrant for the Congressman's countryside estate, including permission to draft Tutti the cadaver dog into the investigation.

Tutti couldn't have been on the scene for more than 10 minutes before she dropped to the ground, belly first, in a leafy, wooded area at the edge of the grass in the back yard – her tell for identifying the location of buried human remains. Sure enough, the FBI only had to dig down a couple feet before they found a human skeleton and Booth's phone had rung immediately after that summoning him and his wife to the scene, well over an hour's drive outside the city. He was still pissed at fate that his morning lovemaking had not been able to proceed to its natural conclusion.

"Damn. I just hate messy cases." Caroline Julian stood beside Booth, her standard frown on her face as she grouchily watched the investigation unfold before her eyes. She always took a personal interest in any potentially high profile murder case and one that involved a member of Congress anywhere in the mix was definitely in the high profile category. "And, Cher, this is shaping up to be one hell of a messy case."

Booth glanced her way. "We don't know for sure yet that the remains are Hildebrand's. Bones hasn't made a positive ID yet."

Caroline snorted. "Do you honestly think that will amount to a hill of beans of difference as to how messy this is gonna be? We've got us a dead body buried in a U.S. Congressman's backyard and according to your wife, we are _not_ uncovering ancient remains here. Hildebrand or not, there ain't no way out of this particular scenario that's not gonna be messy."

"Right," Booth nodded, conceding her point.

At about that time, the Congressman's personal attorney showed up flagging her attention and she went to greet him. Caroline spent the next 45 minutes crossing verbal swords with the slick DC lawyer, her mood deteriorating from her typical cranky demeanor to just downright grouchy with each volley of legal maneuvering and side stepping he tried to throw at her. Booth kept a casual watch over her from the corner of his eye, just in case she needed him to intervene. Eventually though, she walked back to where he stood guard over the squints, her body language loudly proclaiming her annoyance and frustration to anyone who knew her well enough to read the signs.

"You and your good doctor there need to make sure you do this one by the book, Seeley Booth. The only thing worse than a career politician is a corrupt, murdering, career politician with a too high paid fancy lawyer trying to rewrite the facts."

"Of course, Caroline. We're on it."

Brennan stepped up from the hole she had been crouching in and joined the conversation. "Booth, I've completed what I can do here. Go ahead and have the field techs ship the remains, soil samples, and any other evidence we've collected to the lab." She turned to face Caroline. "The young man buried in that hole was not killed gently. Rather, it was quite a brutal murder and likely very personal. As such, there's a fair amount of evidence about what happened to him buried in that hole too. Booth and I are the best at solving these types of crimes. You know firsthand how high our solve rate is within the Bureau. I am confident that with the help of our team at the Jeffersonian, we will figure out what happened to this individual as well."

Caroline harrumphed. Years ago, she would've found Dr. Brennan's blunt words both arrogant and condescending but now she knew the scientist well enough to recognize that in her own bizarre Dr. Brennan-y way, she was attempting to offer comfort and reassurance. And the kicker was that it actually worked. Some of the tension Caroline had felt just a moment earlier dissipating with the reminder of who she had helping on her side. "Well, you two know what to do then. I'm gonna head on home for the day and just relax, maybe indulge myself in life's simpler pleasures before the shit hits the fan like it's bound to do once the press hears about today's discovery."

While Brennan returned to Booth's SUV to put away her field kit and change out of her Jeffersonian jumpsuit, Booth gave the final instructions to the FBI field team on shipping everything back to the lab and then they were also on their way.

The first part of the drive back towards their home took them along gently rolling narrow two-lane country roads lined with oak trees, winding past fields speckled with crops or livestock. It was stereotypical Americana. Many times they came around a bend in the road and were confronted with the sight of a house or a barn with a grain silo perched on a hill or nestled in a valley, visions that could easily grace a page in an _America The Beautiful_ wall calendar or a coffee table picture book.

They drove mostly in silence, each preoccupied with their own thoughts. After a bit, Brennan dropped her hand onto Booth's thigh. His upper thigh, with her fingertips curling around towards his _inner_ thigh. Booth sucked in a breath and covered her hand with his, not removing her hand, but halting her from straying any closer to his dangly bits.

"Careful there, Bones," he cautioned. "My sniper's still a little on edge from the aborted mission this morning and he's got a bit of a hair trigger right now."

She laughed gently. "If we're going to use militaristic analogies, then just think of this morning as an exercise in special reconnaissance."

Booth looked at her sideways, the corner of his mouth kicking up in an answering smile to hers. "Special reconnaissance, huh?"

"Yes." She leaned closer to his shoulder and slipped her hand free from under his, giving the member under discussion a gentle pat. "As soon as we pick up some more prophylactics to provide your sniper with the appropriate uniform, I feel very confident that his next attempt at infiltration will be met with great success."

Booth laughed. "Do you think they sell camouflage colored condoms?"

"Out here? It wouldn't surprise me, but it would be highly inaccurate relative to the environment in which prophylactics are ultimately used. A simple flesh toned color would blend in much more effectively."

"Uh, Bones? You haven't taken your hand back yet."

"I know. I'm hoping to help focus your thoughts on target acquisition."

"Well, it's working, but driving all the way home with a hard-on's not gonna be very comfortable."

"Booth, look." Brennan pointed up the road. "There's a Super Walmart ahead on your left. We should stop and pick up a box of condoms."

"God, yes." Booth steered the SUV into the parking lot and they headed into the store making a bee line for the health and beauty aid department where the assortment of sexual lubrications and condoms were on display.

"Holy shit!" Booth exclaimed in an exaggerated whisper. "Look at how many different types of condoms they have."

"Yes. The assortment of different options is quite a bit more extensive than what is offered at the pharmacy near our house. Of course, this is a Super Walmart, so I suppose that's to be expected."

"Well, grab a box and let's go." Booth looked around guiltily, checking to see if anyone was watching them. _It didn't matter how old he was or how many times he'd purchased condoms in the past._ _There was a small part of him that always remembered that time in 11_ _th_ _grade before his date with Becky Williams when he braved a gas station convenience store and purchased his first box of 12 condoms in anticipation of the night ahead. He was feeling so proud and so cocky. Like a MAN. As soon as he'd laid his money on the counter but before the cashier had managed to bag his purchase he'd heard the familiar voice of Pops over his shoulder. "Hey Shrimp, What'cha got there?"_ He'd never been able to buy a box since without feeling like he was doing something delinquent.

"No, Booth. I want to peruse the options. It might be fun to try something different than our typical stand-by."

Knowing the fastest way to get Bones going would be to work with her on making a decision, Booth cleared his throat and tried to hide his discomfort. "Well, how about those? We've never tried that type. They say they're pleasure shaped."

Brennan picked up a box of the Trojan Twisted and started reading the marketing description. "These might be interesting. It says they have a wider top with extra latex which more effectively stimulates the nerves at the end of the penis and heightens the sensitivity for both men and women." She shrugged and tossed the box into the cart. "Worth a try."

"Great, let's go."

"Not yet."

She reached for another box, the Lifestyles Turbo with Excite Gel.

"What's special about those?"

"Hmm. It says they are lubricated with a special warming formula. _The Excite gel contains an amino acid called L-Arginine used for double lubrication, both inside and outside of the condom so both participants get to experience the warming sensations,_ " She read off the box before turning to impress Booth with another demonstration of her vast breadth of knowledge. "L-Arginine improves blood flow and circulation in the body by getting converted into nitric oxide which causes the blood vessels to open wider. It also stimulates the production of certain growth hormones and insulin resulting in enhanced physical performance. A number of body builders supplement their diets with L-Arginine. It has a number of other health benefits including being used to help improve sperm production and motility, which is not something you need to be worried about."

Booth watched as the box of warming condoms landed next to the box of pleasure condoms already in the cart and Brennan reached for something else, then put it back just a short moment later.

"What was wrong with those?"

She scrunched up her nose and shook her head. "Bubblegum flavored."

"Oh."

As Booth watched Brennan studying the different boxes, he was suddenly struck once again by just how beautiful she was. Her focus was completely concentrated on finding the perfect prophylactic for them and he was absolutely certain in that moment that no one else in the whole world could ever suit him more. He stepped up behind her and slid his arms around her waist, pulling her body back against his as he gently nuzzled her neck, just below her ear, then rested his chin on her shoulder so he could look at what she held now.

Brennan turned her head, a question in her eyes.

Booth shrugged his shoulders and held her more firmly. "I love you. That's all." His declaration brought a tender smile to her lips before she let herself lean back against him a little more fully and turned back around to look at the box she currently held. "Sensis. I'm not familiar with that brand."

"Mmm. They're relatively new. They use a feature called 'quickstrips' for putting the condom on. The quickstrips are supposed to make it easier to ensure the condom is used properly even when you put it on fumbling in the dark, one-handed, or in a hurry. I've been wanting to try them. They could be ideal for those times when . . . you know."

"Yeah. That could definitely be handy. So, get a box. Get two if you want. I promise, we'll use each and every one of them."

Brennan laughed. "I think I will. They have a thin type and a ribbed version with micro-dots. I think I'll get both and we'll just have to experiment with different positions to decide which works best, when." She tossed both boxes into their cart. "That should do us for a bit."

"What? You didn't get any colored ones. Look, they've got almost every color of the rainbow here. Don't you want some colored ones too?" He thought he was just teasing her, but her eyes lit up and she started rifling through the various colors on display. Booth rolled his eyes. "While you try to decide on which color you like best, I'm gonna run over to the auto supply area and pick up a new air filter for your car. Be back in just a couple minutes."

As Booth wandered off, Brennan made her decision and chose the box of red condoms. After all, red was symbolic of heat and passion and ever since their earlier morning interlude got interrupted, Brennan's desire for her husband had been on a low simmer in the background. Red corresponded more compatibly with her current mood and she was eager to put one to use. Max was already planning on picking the kids up from daycare so stealing a little intimate time alone with Booth when they got home shouldn't be too difficult.

She tossed the box into the cart with the other boxes they'd already chosen noting they now had over 120 individual packets between the five boxes they'd selected.

Rather than stand around waiting for Booth, who could easily get distracted looking at auto supplies and be gone for another twenty minutes, Brennan decided to go ahead and pick up several other items that were typically less expensive at Walmart or harder to find in the stores near their house. Hank _always_ needed some more diapers and they carried the organic baby wipes she liked here too. Next, she headed to the laundry detergent aisle which was more cost effective to purchase here than at their local grocer. Since Booth still hadn't caught up to her yet, she decided to head over to the produce area and check out the vegetable selection. In the past, she'd had great success finding some wonderful produce from local farms by shopping for it while she wasn't too close to the city.

However, much to her surprise, the next familiar face she saw did not actually belong to Booth. As she turned down the tomato aisle, she found herself cart-to-cart with the ornery prosecutor they had only recently parted ways with. They both glanced up from the tomato bins and recognized the other at the same time.

* * *

 **A/N:** _This was originally going to be a one-shot, but was getting long, so thought I'd stop there. Feedback is always welcome!_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _I am so thrilled to see there are still a number of folks out there reading Bones fanfiction. Thanks so much for all the wonderful comments about the last chapter and the favorites/follows. Hope this one delivers for you too. Apologize in advance for any typos as I didn't read it over as much as I typically do._

 _And yes, this is still M._

* * *

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing _Bones_ related except my imagination. Nor do I own anything associated with Walmart. (4/25/2017)

* * *

"Ms. Julian." Brennan acknowledged her feisty colleague with surprise, nearly dropping the tomato she held in her hand.

"Dr. Brennan. I sure as hell didn't expect to encounter you here this afternoon." Just like anyone else would react when they bump into a friend or acquaintance in a similar situation, curiosity compelled her eyes downwards to check out Brennan's cart. And, even though Brennan was not nearly as adept as her husband at reading other people, she knew the instant that Ms. Julian noticed the abundance of prophylactics in her cart. Caroline's eyes got large, her eyebrows lifting almost to her hair line, and she muttered a barely discernable "Good Lord Almighty" under her breath.

"We ran out," Brennan felt compelled to explain.

"Wh-, what?"

"Booth and I. We used our last condom last night and when we needed one this morning, we realized we were all out."

Caroline wasn't going to touch the ' _when we needed one this morning'_ comment with a ten foot pole. "Well, Cher, looks like you're stocking up enough to outfit an entire Battalion." The sarcasm in her voice went right over Brennan's head.

Brennan looked down at her stash. "No, this wouldn't be sufficient for an entire Battalion. A Battalion typically consists of several hundred soldiers. It might suffice for a Company though. Not that we're planning to share. These are intended just for us," she quickly clarified.

"Of course they are. Try not to use them all at one time though. We've already got one squint in a wheelchair. Don't need another one."

Brennan was just about to claim she didn't know what that meant when it hit her and she started to laugh. "Oh, you're making a joke because if Booth and I used all of these condoms one after another during a continual lovemaking session, it's highly unlikely I'd be able to stand up afterwards, probably for quite some time."

"Riiiiighht." Caroline watched in fascination as Brennan continued to snicker. Even after all these years, Caroline still found herself occasionally surprised by the woman in front of her. She'd observed Dr. Brennan enough times on the witness stand over the years to understand that things like methods of birth control would be unlikely to cause her the same level of embarrassment a normal person might experience, but for someone as old and jaded as Caroline sometimes felt, it was still refreshing to speak to someone who didn't constantly prevaricate and dance around the truth. "Since you're all science this and science that, I would have pegged you as someone who relies on a more medicinally oriented approach to birth control."

"Oh, I take birth control pills too. But, I already have two children as evidence that birth control pills alone are inadequate." Brennan couldn't hold back the proud smile that blossomed across her face as she boasted about her husband. "Booth's semen is really quite extraordinary, despite his age. His sperm count is extremely high and his motility is very impressive."

"I did not need to know that."

During the course of their conversation, Brennan had also made a quick, surreptitious survey of the contents of Caroline Julian's shopping cart. Floral scented bubble bath; a paperback novel, presumably a historical romance since the cover included an image of a woman in Victorian era clothing whose bodice was pulled so low her breasts almost spilled over as she was pressed up close to a shirtless man in breeches that was only a breath away from claiming a kiss; a bottle of inexpensive wine that was simply labelled a 'Red Blend'; and an assortment of food items including shrimp, frozen crawfish tails, a head of garlic, celery, bell peppers, onions, chicken, andouille sausage, and Tony Chachere's creole seasoning.

Brennan tilted her head towards Caroline's cart. "Looks like you intend to make a batch of gumbo. You have most of the ingredients for it there."

"Yep. Mmm-mmm. I just love me some good gumbo," she answered. "I expect this case is going to keep me busy until we can put the murdering weasel who buried that body in the yard behind bars. I plan to cook a big pot of comfort food tonight, before the press fully figures out what's going on and starts harassing me non-stop, and just relax with a glass of wine. Hell, I may even drink the whole bottle by myself."

"I met the author of your novel there once at a writer's awards banquet a couple years ago. She did not seem to value the importance of thorough research. I expect she is woefully inaccurate in her recounting of historical facts."

Caroline huffed. "She's accurate enough in the parts that I'm interested in." The steamy parts, that was. Why else read a novel like that?

"Bones. Hey, Bones, take a look at what I found." At the sound of his excited voice, both women turned their heads to watch Booth come around the corner and head their way. Tucked under one arm, he held the air filter he'd gone to search for as well as new windshield wiper blades but in his other hand, he held yet one more box of 36 condoms that he was waving around enthusiastically. Brennan stole a quick glance back towards Ms. Julian, guessing her husband hadn't seen the prosecutor yet. He kept talking as he drew nearer. "Bones, these are so cool. They glow . . ." Booth finally spotted Caroline and faltered slightly on the end of his sentence ". . . in the dark."

"Seeley Joseph Booth," Caroline just frowned and shook her head as she plucked about a half dozen ripe red tomatoes from the bin closest to her, preparing to leave the dynamic crime solving duo for the day. "I will never be able to look at you in the same way again."

Booth could feel the flush starting beneath his collar and creeping up his neck, causing his ears to tingle with warmth. "Caroline," he choked out.

She maneuvered her cart to go around theirs. "I can just imagine what the boys back at the Bureau will have to say about this." Booth was too mortified to notice the twinkle in her eye as she walked by, but Brennan saw it.

He turned to his wife. "What is she doing here?"

Brennan thought that was a pretty silly question with a pretty clear answer. "Shopping. Just the same as us."

Caroline, not quite out of ear-shot yet hollered back over her shoulder. "Not exactly _the same_ as you, Cher," a final reference to the difference in the content of their carts.

It always felt good to be proven right Caroline thought as she wandered away. The first time she saw Booth and Brennan together was on the case where she told Booth he had to fire the good doctor. Their chemistry was apparent even then. The next time she met Dr. Brennan was in a café in New Orleans. The way the partners interacted was fascinating and she'd have bet money that if they weren't sleeping together then, they would be soon. Amazingly, she'd have lost that bet. She'd never met two more stubborn, moralistic, perfectly suited for one another people in her life. By the time several years had passed and she coerced Dr. Brennan into kissing Booth under the mistletoe, she'd about given up on them, but when the demand for five steamboats morphed into a flotilla almost double the required size without any extra prompting from her, she knew that eventually the pull they felt for each other would bring them together. As much as she enjoyed giving Seeley Booth a hard time, observing the strength of the passion he and his wife still shared brought a smile to her face. Glow in the dark condoms, indeed.

* * *

The rest of the drive home was tense. Even though Brennan insisted that Caroline was just teasing them and could be counted on to maintain their privacy, Booth kept fretting over the ways that the lady from Louisiana could use her knowledge from their unplanned rendezvous to extort something from him. She was not a woman he wanted to be beholden too. He'd owed her favors in the past and she didn't hold back when it was time to collect. On top of that, his wife's hand had been gently tracing patterns on the inside of his upper thigh for miles now and he'd been waiting, breathlessly, for her to become a little more bold, debating internally whether he should encourage her or dissuade her if she did.

When they were only 10-15 minutes from their house, Booth pulled the SUV to a stop at a red light and Brennan suddenly, without warning, opened her door and jumped out of the car. "Bones? What the hell? What are you doing?"

"Just getting something." Brennan strode behind the SUV and popped open the tailgate, reaching in to grab the bag of prophylactics they had just purchased and stored in the back before shutting the hatch and hopping back into the front seat, right as the light turned green.

Looking at what she had on her lap, Booth grinned. "Did you see the face on the kid that checked us out?"

Brennan chuckled, giving her husband an admiring sideways glance. "Yes. I think you may have achieved hero-worship status in his eyes. With the first box he rang up, he kind of smirked . . . with the second, he snickered . . . by the time he rang up the sixth box, he just seemed awestruck when he looked at you."

"He was checking you out pretty hard before he was done, too."

"Mmm. I suppose that explains why you put your arm around my waist, publicly declaring me as your mate in a non-verbal gesture. As much as I enjoy your physical displays of affection, you must realize that your role as my lover is not in jeopardy to any other rival, especially not some young, adolescent male who, in no way, could ever please me like you do."

Booth removed one hand from the steering wheel and tenderly brushed her hair back from her face, tucking a strand behind her ear. "Doesn't matter if he's not a real threat, Bones. He needs to learn to simply be respectful too. You deserve that and so much more, even from pimply faced adolescent boys at Walmart that find you just as beautiful as I do."

Brennan gave him one of those smiles that said without words how much she adored him before she turned back to the bag in her lap and started rifling through it. "I think there may be a flaw in our plan, Booth."

"Oh? What's that?"

"We have too many options now." She lifted two boxes at random from the bag and studied them side by side. "I can't make up my mind which condom I want to try first."

"So? Just grab one."

"Booth!" Brennan gave him a horrified look at his typical, male response. "No, we can't do it like that. Each of these different brands has a unique element to it designed to enhance our pleasure based on the mood and tempo we anticipate for our lovemaking. Just grabbing any old one won't ensure we'll be getting the optimal experience from our purchases." Tossing the boxes back into the bag, she reached for her phone. "Maybe there's an app that can help us make the best decision."

"On your phone?" Booth was incredulous. "You expect to find an app for something like this?"

"Yes," she nodded. "There are apps for all kinds of things."

"You're crazy."

"Ah-ha. Found one," she sing-songed. "Trojan makes a phone app and it says here that it includes a condom selection tool . . . Hmm, that's interesting. It even has a vibrator simulator that uses the phone's vibration features to mimic the pulsing patterns of some of their most popular vibrators."

Booth rolled his eyes and reached over to grab her phone from her fingers then toss it back onto her lap. "Alright, stop that, Bones. Put that away and let's just think about this _rationally_ for a minute and I'm sure we can figure it out. For example, it's still the middle of the afternoon, so the glow in the dark condoms would be kinda pointless and we can eliminate those, for now."

"Oh, very good, Booth. By using process of elimination, we should be able to make it an easier decision. Are you still feeling horny from this morning?"

Booth gave her a lascivious grin. "Darlin', around you, always."

"Good, that's good to hear." Her voice was a little breathless. "Well, I'm also still feeling quite aroused, from this morning and from our shopping excursion. I don't believe we need the extra sensation from one of the textured types at the moment. Likewise, the warming condom would be wasted right now as I don't expect to last long enough to enjoy it once I have you inside me so that eliminates three more."

"Jesus, Bones." Booth would never fully understand how listening to her talk, no matter what she happened to be speaking about, turned him on so much. He could feel his need for her escalating with each sentence she uttered. "We'll be home in less than 2 minutes. You have until then to make your choice because, baby, I am not waiting a minute longer."

"We're down to choosing between the red condoms or the Sensis thin condoms. Which do you want to try?"

"I don't care, Bones. Either one."

Brennan huffed. "You're no help at all."

"Oh, I'll help. I'll help rid you of that blouse you're wearing. And I'll help strip those pants from your body." Booth pulled into their driveway and turned to give her his most intense predatory look. "Times up, Bones. Better run, 'cause here I come."

"Red," she said tearing open the box and extracting a single foil pack as she jumped out of the car and ran for the front door, Booth hot on her heels.

True to his word, he had half the buttons on her blouse undone by the time she got the door unlocked. They burst through the opening, giggling like a couple of teenagers, and as soon as they crossed the threshold, he spun around pressing her against the door as it closed. Booth bent his arms at the elbows and leaned his forearms against the door on either side of her head, caging her in. He pressed his whole body up against hers as he aggressively dove in to steal a heated kiss from her lips.

Brennan let the Walmart bag with the many boxes of condoms slip from her fingers and crash to the ground unheeded while still holding on to the single foil package she selected as their winner for the afternoon clutched in her left palm. Lips, tongues, hands – they all seemed to have missions of their own, touching, pulling, tugging, squeezing. Clothing seemed to simply melt from their bodies. It was there, and then it wasn't. Booth had helped to remove her blouse, her pants, and everything else she was wearing, then went to work on his own clothes.

"Bed," she grunted at one point when Booth released her lips and started trailing wet kisses along her jaw and down her throat. After all, their bed was only twenty feet away from the front door, max.

"Sure," he responded, but he didn't step back and she just twined her arms tighter around his neck, hitching one of her legs around his waist as she tilted her head back against the door, baring her throat to him.

They didn't need a lot of foreplay. The whole afternoon had been foreplay. She slid one hand down his chest, scraping her fingernail across his nipple, then his abdominals, until she could tangle her fingers in his pubic curls, cupping him, and stroking him. "You're already so hard."

"Locked and loaded." Booth took a nipple between his teeth and worried it back and forth. "Target identified. Definitely ready to go."

She chuckled. "Then I guess it's up to me to dress your sniper." Using her teeth, she tore open the condom package, then pushed Booth away, just far enough that she could watch what she was doing as she sheathed him in fire engine red. "All done."

Booth reached down and hoisted both her thighs up around his waist, using his body and the door at her back to hold her off the ground as he lined himself up and slipped in between her wet folds. "Fuck. I needed this. I needed you."

"Booth. Oooh. I love how you feel inside me."

It never got old. Year after year, no matter how many times they'd performed some variation of this particular dance before, it was always still so exciting, so satisfying. He knew where to touch and she knew where to stroke, but every move they made still expressed the undeniable love and desire they felt for one another. The emotions behind their actions kept the activity from feeling dull or routine.

He suckled, she moaned.

She squeezed, he hissed.

It wasn't going to be one of their longest sessions ever, but neither one cared about that. He thrust, in and out; she rotated her hips, clamping down on him to hold him close. Booth could feel that tell-tale tingling at the base of his spine and knew the end was approaching. "Bones."

"I'm with you."

"Almost . . . oh, God."

"Harder, Booth . . . . aaaah, yes, just like that. Oh . . . Oh, yes . . . now."

Booth impaled her with his cock, freezing in place once he was as deep as he could go and felt his body release while hers contracted all around him. They clung to one another as they rode out the storm, sharing the intimate experience in the most elemental of ways. Slowly, the tension they'd both been feeling all day seemed to slip away and they both relaxed, foreheads pressed together as they exchanged soft, tender kisses. Finally, Booth pulled out and stepped back, letting Brennan's legs fall to the floor so she could support herself against the door. She watched as he reached down to remove the used condom.

"I've always thought that red's a good color on you."

.

.

THE END.

 **A/N:** _Shout out to FaithinBones for the gumbo recipe idea! Feedback is always appreciated._


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